Why Can't I Forget?
by Jutsu
Summary: Spike's been miserable for the past month. He was supposed to die back there, but he didn't. Here's his life one month after Julia's death as he turns to someone unexpected for comfort and safety. Please RR!
1. Misery Unleashed

"Julia..." I hadn't said her name in the longest time... not since that day. It hurts to remember, but I do it anyways. After I got back on the BeBop I recalled what Jet had said to me earlier. He had said that I always told him to forget his past, to live in the present. In the end he was right. He was right when he told me that I was really the one who was clinging to the past. It's because of her, of Julia, that I can't forget the past. I'll never forget the look in her eyes as she fell. I want to forget, but I don't. I live in the past and I can't forget it... not ever...  
  
So here I lay, staring up at the ceiling fan. Bored as ever trying to sleep over the noise of Faye singing and Jet cooking. That's when I had thought of her... of Julia. It's funny how five little letters can cause so much emotion inside of me. I regret watching her fall, and yet I'm glad I was there to hold her when she left this world. But WHY though?! I get up and slam my fist into the table beside me as furious tears gather in my eyes. I'm glad there's no one here to see me cry. I let the tears flow, hoping they will wash away the pain of losing her. "Why dammit why!?" I shout to the ceiling as I collapse back onto the couch. Why did she have to leave? Why couldn't I have gone with her? It isn't fair that I survived when she didn't. I loved her more than anything... more than life itself. I'd die for her and technically I did, twice in fact.  
  
Once all those years ago, and another time just one month ago. One month ago I had left the BeBop and my friends. It's funny that I consider someone like Faye my friend and I actually miss Ed and Ein. When I had left, I had planned to never see any of them again. I planned to finish my battle with Vicious then and there and I didn't care if I came out alive. I met up with Julia in our place and just as we planned, we were going to get out. But first we needed to finish off Vicious...  
  
Well, that part I had gotten done, but now, as I look back on that night, it crushes me to think that I had actually lived through it. I was supposed to die dammit! I was supposed to die and live on with Julia in our next life. But that didn't work out... I hear a noise in the hall and look up. There's Jet, looking for us to call us to dinner. It's funny, he acts like a parent sometimes, but others he's a great friend, then he's competition. I wonder why he always wears those sunglasses when he cooks.  
  
"Hey Spike, where's Faye?" He knows I've been going through this slow and it's been tough, but he's been easy on me.  
  
"I don't know, I think she's somewhere in the ship dock with her radio. I think she's washing Redwing."  
  
"Can you tell her dinner's ready?" I nod and watch as he goes back into our small kitchen. After what happened with the rock lobster, I'll never trust myself with cooking again. So I get up off the couch and head towards the source of the music. Another thing that's kind of funny... ever since that day... when I lost her...  
  
I remember telling Faye about one of my eyes not being real. It was pretty nice being that close to her again. I thought I could get by with one little thing before going off to live with Julia until the end of my days. But that didn't happen... I trudge down the hallways, an unlit cigarette hanging from my mouth as I reach the ship dock and open the door. Her obnoxious music greets me at full volume.  
  
"Faye... FAYE!" She can't hear me, so I throw something in her general direction and finally catch her attention. She looks up at me and turns down her music. Faye's also been a lot easier on me since I got back. She seemed really happy that I was okay too, which is pretty weird in itself.  
  
"What's up Spike, need anything?" She gives me a funny look and I can' help but laugh at her little comment. I shake my head no and tell her dinner's ready, she gets up and follows me out of the room. As we are nearing the living room, I feel her slip both arms around my waist.  
  
"Erm... Faye?" She doesn't answer right away; she simply lays her forehead against my back.  
  
"Spike... you need to move on... I know it's painful for you to lose her, but it was a month ago. She isn't coming back, and you need to just move on." Then she left, she simply let me go and walked on ahead towards Jet's bell peppers and beef. Except this time, he actually bought beef. So here we all are, sitting around the coffee table eating in silence, not a good silence either. It's quiet here without Ed. We all miss her and Ein. They were pretty much the glue that held this ship and these people together. I keep glancing at Faye and Jet and I know they are doing the same thing. Finally the silence gets too unbearable and Jet slams his chopsticks down on the table.  
  
"Dammit Spike, I know this may seem harsh but Faye is right. We hardy pull in any more bounties because you sit here moping about Julia. She's dead Spike, dead and gone and she isn't coming back, so get your act together or get out!" It shocked me, his words. I had never heard him be so harsh and it hurt. I just watched in silence as he finished his food and stormed out, saying he was going to try to get a new bounty head, as long as no one else was going to bother to get money.  
  
I looked up at Faye, who seemed just as shocked as I was about Jet's uncharacteristic severe outburst. She looked so sweet sitting there, trying to figure out what she should do or say. It was then that I just couldn't take it anymore, all the tears, all the emotions I have been holding back since that day came flooding through my eyes. Almost automatically she stood and come over to me. Placing her arms around me and my head on her shoulder, she allowed me to cry out my pain and my sorrow at losing the one I loved the most. This was strange for Faye, I had always though she hadn't me, but here I am, crying my eyes out over Julia... Why is it that I can't forget her? I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to simply get over it.  
  
As I cry harder for my losses and everything that's happened in my life, Faye tightens her gripe around me. I'm glad she's here for me this time. I'm glad she's here to hold me when I cry. She's what I need right now, and that's someone who understands being alone and not having someone to call your own or losing that someone. Thank you Faye...  
  
So what do you think of the first chapter? I hope you like it, but please review. Flames are also welcomed because I find them amusing. I'll update once I get at least 3 reviews or more. Thanks! ~Aurora 


	2. Tears and Smiles

Okay, yeah it's been awhile since I've updated on this one. Sorry about the long my readers! School's been insane so I never had the time. Well here goes chapter 2!  
  
Spike's POV  
  
Thanks Faye... Thank you for being here for me. For everything you've ever been to me. It took awhile for me to spot crying, but once I got my tears under control I found myself lifting my head from her shoulder, glancing into her eyes. Her eyes, beautiful green emeralds that were brimming with tears. I furrow my brow in confusion for a moment but then I realize it. She's crying for me, for my misery.  
  
"Faye..." I whisper quietly, and while my own eyes are still wet, I reach up to brush her tears away. "Please... Don't cry for me, I don't deserve it..." I tried to smile, but only found myself wanting to cry more.  
  
"Spike..." She whispered in return. "I want to cry for you... you're sad, and that makes me sad." She gave me a tiny, watery smile and stood on her toes to kiss my cheek. Gently she took my hand and squeezed it. Then, with another small smile, she let go of my hand and headed up the small stairs into the hall that led to her room. So there I stood, now alone, thinking of this amazing woman who had been right under my nose for so long, but I had never noticed.  
  
"Damn I feel stupid..." I muttered to the empty air around me as I fell backwards onto the couch to sort things out in peace.  
  
Faye's POV  
  
As soon as I was sure Spike wouldn't hear me, I burst into tears and ran for my bedroom. After slamming the door and being sure it was locked I flung myself onto my bed and cried for seemed like days, though it was only a mere hour or so. When my eyes were finally dry, I could smell a meal coming from the kitchen. "Jet must have cooled off enough to cook for us. Unless Spike's cooking." I gave a shudder, remembering the last time Spike cooked, actually tried to cook and failed miserably.  
  
Sliding my door open and checking for any dogs I might step on, I made her way towards the living room, a mirror held in front of my face making sure Jet and Spike wouldn't be able to tell I was crying so heavily.  
  
As I neared the living room, I could hear Ed singing more of her nonsense and smiled happily for the first time in awhile. Stepping down the stairs I found a delicious looking meal awaiting me. "I take it Jet cooked?" I asked Ed, who was the only person in the softly lit room. "And why is it so dark in here?"  
  
"Spike-person cooked Faye-Faye! Jet-person never came back. Ed is waiting for her meal. Spike-person and Faye-Faye get to eat ALL BY THEMSELVES!" She finished in her opera tone. I had to laugh.  
  
"Then is it safe to eat?"  
  
"Ha ha ha, Faye, yes it's edible." I raised my gaze to the doorway to see Spike coming in with a tray filled with food. He gave a couple of bags to Ed and told her to scram, which she did in a hurry. Then his deep gaze locked with my own and I felt my heart flutter. This should be interesting. I thought to myself before slipping onto the couch. I thought for a second I had felt Spike's eyes watching me stretch into a comfortable position and blushed in spite of myself.  
  
"Well, what's on the menu?" I asked softly, still feeling very sorry for the Lunk-Head. I felt me heart flutter again when he smiled and sat down, pulling the cover off the tray.  
  
"Bell peppers and beef. This time though, we could afford the beef."  
  
Well what do you guys think so far? This is definitely less cluttered than the last chapter! Review please. I'm waiting to get up to 12 before I work one the next chapter. Thanks!  
~Aurora 


	3. A Realization

Sorry it's been awhile since I updated this! Here goes Why Can't I Forget, chapter three.  
  
Spike's POV  
  
So here we sat together, the silence of the room broken only by the quiet sound of chewing. It was good food if I do say so myself. I thought I did a fine job cooking, considering what happened last time I tried. After several long minutes, I gave out an exhausted sigh and began to stare Faye straight in the eye. It was always fun, especially when I did it long enough to make her squirm. But this time I wasn't just joking around. I really needed to stare into her eyes... to know that everything was going to be okay.  
  
I swallowed the last bit of my food and carefully set down the plate, the soft noise startled Faye and she met eyes with me. I smiled and she returned it.  
  
"That was good Spike... you were right, you can cook." She laughed her soft, musical laugh. Not the laugh she used when she was being stupid, but her genuine laugh. I couldn't help but be entranced.  
  
"Hey Faye... I got an idea. Want to find a movie to watch on the TV?" I hoped I didn't sound too desperate, but I knew I was failing miserably. She simply smiled and nodded, walking off to get into her pajamas. That's a good idea, I thought. So I found my way into the laundry room, wriggling into my red and orange striped boxers and gray undershirt.  
  
Knowing it would take her longer to get ready than it would me, I stumbled into the kitchen and happily popped the last bag of popcorn. This is weird, I thought to myself. How can I possibly feel so happy after being so miserable a few hours ago? I didn't want to admit it, but I had no other choice. Faye was taking Julia's place in my heart. And there wasn't I thing that I could about... even if I wanted to...  
  
Faye's POV  
  
Walking toward my room, I spent my sweet time. I wanted to think. What was it in those deep eyes that drew me to him? I had no clue, and didn't want to give myself a headache while thinking it over. Sliding my door open, I flopped on the bed and watched it close before rolling over to find my shorts and tank top. Knowing Spike, he'd already be in his pajamas, so why not follow suite?  
  
Being bored and wanting to make him wait, I decided to paint my toenails. I made them a bright, eye-catching red. For a reason I couldn't quite think of, I wanted him to notice my toes. But why my toes all of a sudden? I couldn't tell, but the thought of Spike liking my toes made me laugh. When I thought he had waited long enough, and after I made sure my toes were dry. I walked back out into the living room to find Spike stretched out on the couch, the TV on the table. He looked so cute, all rumpled and sleepy. I quickly shook the thought out of my head. This was Spike after all! He grinned at me when he saw me walked down the stairs and patted the spot in front of him on the couch. I hesitated and he sat up, leaving a spot next to him open. This time I sat down.  
  
Spike's POV  
  
It didn't really surprise me when Faye refused to lie down in front of me. I actually surprised myself when I had offered. When she sat down next to me, I looked at her toes. Perhaps it was the red toenail polish that drew my gaze. I have no clue, but I could tell she wanted me to comment on them.  
  
"I like your toes." I laughed when she stammered a thank you. My gaze softened as I watched her hair fall carefully to her shoulders. I wanted to run my fingers through it, as I had so many times before with Julia's hair. I was miserable right now, but I didn't want to show it. I wanted to hold her in my arms, to be in her arms again. What really surprised me is how fast these emotions for Faye were growing inside of me.  
  
She flipped to a silly movie where no one could act and the special effects were primitive.  
  
"Must be some movie made in the 30's..." Her comment made me laugh and she looked at me. Her eyes locked with mine and suddenly I lost control. I leaned forward, curling one hand around the back of her neck. I watched her catch her breath, then relax, as her face grew softer, more inviting. Gently I lay down, pulling her onto my chest. I was glad she went willingly. Gently I stroked her face with my thumbs as she leaned closer into me. This has been something I haven't been able to do for a long time. But I think I'm ready now.  
  
Carefully, almost timidly I pressed my lips to hers. Feeling both of our needs surface, she pulled me closer and kissed me deeper. So this is what her lip-gloss tasted like... I was right; it was strawberry.  
  
So watta ya think? I hope you guys are enjoying it. Please RR I'll try and update when I get up to 16 reviews!!! 


	4. THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER! Author's Note ins...

Author's Note:  
  
Wow, I feel pretty stupid. Several of you guy have pointed out to me that in the beginning, I said Ed was gone, and now she's back. Please don't be too cruel! Lol. It's about 7 AM when I'm writing these chapters, so I made some mistakes. I apologize and I hope there won't be any more mistakes on my part! ^_^' Thanks again you guys.  
  
Oh! And before I forget, I should be updating chapter 1 so that it won't be so muttled together, okay? It makes me dizzy too. @_@ lol  
  
~Aurora Audron 


	5. Stay Away

Eesh! I'm really sorry I haven't updated in like forever! Schools been nuts for awhile and now I have time to write! In response to a review I got, I will be writing an Inu Yasha fic pretty soon. Here's the next chapter of 'Why Can't I Forget?'.  
  
Spike's POV  
  
Faye's kiss was mesmerizing. I couldn't help but draw her even closer. But that's when something happened. A voice sounded in my head, one pleading me not to leave, not to forget... It was hers... Julia's. Quickly I broke the kiss with Faye. Stammering an apology, something I rarely do, I ran from the room and found my way back to my own small chambers.  
  
After making sure the door was closed tight and locked I collapsed onto the bed, sweating and shaking slightly. "Can I really betray her like this? I know she's dead... I know for certain this time. But can I really just push her out of my mind and fall for another?" I muttered to the dark ceiling above. As usually, I didn't receive an answer. "Dammit, where's Jet when you need him?"  
  
At times like this... that's when I could really count on him. I needed his advice. I didn't act like it much, but I really appreciated having him around. I needed to figure how do deal with this. I remembered so long ago when I was still living with Julia. She made me promise to always stay faithful to her. I told her I would. I gave her my word. But did she want me to love another after her death. I got up and slammed my fist into the door, accidentally opening it. I stumbled back in shock as Faye stood before my open door, her eyes tear-stained.  
  
"I heard all you said in there Spike..." With those words, she ran off. I could hear her start to cry a little more, then the sound was silenced as she shut her own door. I sighed miserably and ambled back into my room, shutting the door and throwing myself onto the bed and into a deep and dreamless sleep.  
  
Faye's POV  
  
After fleeing from Spike's deep gaze and returning to my room, I flung myself onto the bed to cry more tears for this man who drove me insane. "Gods, it's not fair!" I yell to the walls. "Why do I have to realize that I care about him so much? It isn't fair!" I gave way to more tears until all that was left was a few dry shudders. Lifting my head up, I listened intently, someone was landing in the hanger. "It's probably just Jet coming back finally..."  
  
My guess was confirmed when her door was opened and Jet stood in the doorway, hands on his hips. "What do you want Jet?" I asked him lazily.  
  
"Where's Spike? Is he doing okay now?" I could tell Jet's really sorry about storming out earlier, so I just pointed in the general direction of Spike's room. Jet grunted. "Look Faye... can I come in? I want to talk to you about something."  
  
"Sure." I waved him in a pointed to a box that could be used for a chair. Instead he just sits on the bed next to my feet. "What's on your mind?"  
  
"I wanted to talk to you about Spike." I felt my insides twist up at the mention of his name and I wanted to start crying again. But I wasn't going to let Jet see me so upset.  
  
"What about him?"  
  
"Just... I want you to be careful okay? He may not seem like it on the outside, but on the inside, he's hurt pretty easily when it comes to love. Just... be careful. The best thing would be to just leave, but I'm not going to ask you to do that. It'd be too quiet here without you." Was he actually saying he didn't want me to go away?  
  
"Jet, what's the matter with you? Earlier you were yelling at Spike, and now you're telling me to stay away from him? What's going on?" My eyes narrowed dangerously. He had better tell me the truth.  
  
"I just don't want Spike being hurt anymore than he needs to be, okay you stupid wench!" That got me angry, so I stood, pushed him out of my room and slammed the door in his face. With that done, I threw myself onto the bed for another round of misery-filled tears.  
  
Jet's POV  
  
Geez... all I had wanted to do was protect Spike. He's like a kid brother to me. I don't want to see him hurt anymore. I thought all this to myself as I turned away from Faye's door and ran smack into Spike. "How long have you been there Spike?" His eyes were red and bleary. I couldn't tell if it was sleep or tears that caused my best friend's eyes to be this way. It was probably both.  
  
"Not too long." Spike yawned widely. "I just woke up... but I did hear most of what you said... Thanks Jet. I mean that too. I'm glad you're doing what you're doing. I mean, I can't help but find Faye attractive, but I also can't pry my mind away from Julia..."  
  
I stopped him by slinging an arm over his shoulders and leading him back into the living. After steering Spike onto the couch, I cleaned up a bit, then sat across from him.  
  
"It's no problem bud. You know I'd do it any time.  
  
So how did you all like the next chapter? I'll try to get a new one up soon. RR please!!! 


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